Dear Susanne: how can I rebuild a relationship?

“I’ve been working for a few years with a group of internal stakeholders who have become cynical and negative, probably because of setbacks and bad news we’ve had to deliver to them. How can I strengthen my relationship with them?”

Strong working relationships and effective communication with all stakeholders are prerequisites for successful project delivery. Yet you might sometimes fall into the trap of blaming external circumstances – or other people – for a tense relationship.

In truth, you share the responsibility for creating a harmonious stakeholder group.

No matter the circumstances, every interaction with a stakeholder is an opportunity to either deepen or diminish your connection with them. Even when you need to draw someone’s attention to a mistake, a delay or an area of disagreement, it’s possible to strengthen that relationship.

Present yourself as a friend, not a foe

Here’s how. When you are about to interact with a stakeholder, stop and think about how you are feeling and why you are communicating with them. If you feel negative when approaching someone, they will sense it and become hostile. This might happen, for instance, if you’re annoyed that they have not signed off your latest expense bill or did not turn up to an important project meeting you had arranged. Your stakeholder will pick up on your negativity and react to it.

This happens because everybody judges whether the person in front of them is a threat or not. To get through to your stakeholder, you have to make sure that your message is perceived as beneficial and that they see you as a friend whom they can trust.

See things from their point of view

Bear in mind that people become difficult when their needs are not being met. On a project, this could be a need for power, control, validation or perhaps certainty. If a stakeholder appears negative, ask yourself what the underlying cause might be. There could be a valid reason for their feelings. If you are in doubt about somebody, assume that their need is to feel listened to, accepted and appreciated. That thought alone can transform your professional relationships.

To truly strengthen the connection between you and your stakeholders, you must become sensitive to their needs and to their point of view. You must try to engage in open conversations and deliver your message carefully. It’s not what you say that matters, but how your message comes across.

Try hard to show genuine interest in their situation, respect their reaction and listen to their side of the story. In fact, you should listen so well that you are able to express their needs and concerns just as well as they do.

You don’t have to agree with your stakeholder, but try to understand them and be interested in the best outcome for both of you.

If all else fails, confront their bad behaviour

If you’ve tried all of the above and are still dealing with an unhelpful stakeholder, it may be time to go one step further.

Some stakeholders will only stop their undermining behaviour if they are confronted with it. In this case, you could try asking them how they would explain their inaction or unhelpful decision to the team. You can also invite them to step into your shoes by asking them to consider how it feels to be in your situation. By doing this, you are transferring your emotions to them and making yourself a human being in their eyes. But remember that you have to do this without blaming them or accusing them in order to maintain the connection between you.

And finally, remember never to use an email to repair a damaged relationship. If you want to strengthen the connection with a stakeholder, always speak to them in person.

Susanne Madsen is an internationally recognised project leadership coach, trainer and consultant. She is the author of The Project Management Coaching Workbook and The Power of Project Leadership. For more information, visit susannemadsen.co.uk